Papyrus man in seabird coup

Steve Garrett, 72-year-old managing director of Papyrus Graphical Deception, is the clear winner of the ‘Why the hell is it called The Audi Olympics?’ Competition. His answer was rubbish, but I can think of no man more deserving of a blank piece of paper and a decomposing seabird. I’ll even throw in two pieces of charcoal, some headed notepaper from the Langlands Nursing Home, a toy chicken, a photograph of a grenadier guardsman’s leg, a section of the Glenrothes bus terminus, and a brake pad off a Ford Escort. Many congratulations, Steve.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, January 31, 2003

 
Fantastic new seabird competition!

Yes, get a load of this. You can win a great new Audi Blogbond (see TAO, 25/1) for the knockdown price of £5.82 - plus half a cormorant. All you have to do is tell me, in under 11 words*, how this ludicrous weblog gets its name.

Olympics links total rises to seven
Thanks to Mrs Irise-Flatz, the number of links for The Audi Olympics has now risen to seven. This world-recognition is nice, but some hard cash would be infinitely better. Many thanks, though, Beelzebub. You have a nice one, too.

*Gregory Daly ineligible.
- posted by Nigel @ Thursday, January 30, 2003

 
Audi Blogbonds – a great reader offer

It’s time to reward my loyal readers. Yes, there’s a fabulous new way of subscribing to The Audi Olympics. We will send you a great new Audi Blogbond beautifully presented on blank A4 cartridge paper – for a one-off payment of only £5.74. Yes, that’s £5.74 for a lifetime's reading, sent to me, on top of your normal ISP subscription charge. Simply tick the appropriate bullet point below:

- Yes! I know an opportunity when I see one, and this one has me mesmerised. Please rush me 8 Audi Blogbonds by the end of July
- Yes, I may be interested, but can’t work out how to tear off the bottom of my monitor
- No, I feel that this offer is flawed, if only I could work out why, and that you are a silly man.
- posted by Nigel @ Saturday, January 25, 2003

 
Mad Irish ranter baffles Audiville editor

An Irish former mental patient* and chicken-fancier has got an Audiville editor baffled with the success of a weblog that defies universal logic. Nigel Graber is beginning to question his sanity over Gregory Daly’s site. Gregorianranting, whose author has published several hammer-horror novels based loosely on the efficacy of Carthaginian sewerage systems, conforms to none of the accepted tenets of good writing, and yet achieves over one million hits a day.

Graber is now questioning other universally accepted truths. So far, he has had no success with the Law of Aberration. Trying to exceed the speed of light with a crude ballistic missile made from an old sideboard soaked in methylated spirit, he was unable to achieve the level of warp required to overtake the Andromeda Galaxy and outstrip the speed of star clusters relative to the earth. He was also unsuccessful with Dulong-Petit’s Law. For four hours, Graber sat in a lit gas oven trying to disprove the resident molar heat capacity. He did, however, blow his bottom off and reduce the kitchen at Audi Towers to splintered matchwood.

Graber was similarly unable to disprove that the famous Grandfather Paradox violates the causality of time travel. Getting his grandad to build a time machine, Graber shot back in time and met his grandad before he had had children. Classically, though, an argument broke out over a burned muffin, and Graber beheaded his grandad, thus arguing the bald, Audiville-based editor out of existence.

*this bit not true
- posted by Nigel @ Monday, January 20, 2003

 
Great novelists of the 19th century: Dougal McDougal

Dougal McDougal was one of the great Wessex novelists of the late 1800s, despite his mother's claims that he was born in Yorkshire in 1957. McDougal’s career was blighted by accusations that he plagiarised Thomas Hardy, and the public were not slow to voice their disapproval when, in 1954, he published Dave the Obscure, although Hardy himself described it as ‘gripping stuff’. McDougal was forced into a court of law, where a judge sentenced him to eight years of daily commuting between Audiville and Macclesfield, with strict instructions not to avoid the Thelwall Viaduct.

An intense man, McDougal was troubled by a dwindling religious faith, a condition relieved only by laxatives and poorly written self-help manuals. For 40 years, he studied Anselm, Aquinas, Charles Darwin and Tommy Steele, eventually concluding on his deathbed that the force controlling the universe was Don Revie, manager of the wonderfully violent Leeds side of the mid-70s.

McDougal’s downfall was in believing his characters were real. When Hermione Thuggery, in his masterwork, A Mighty Fine Bladder, loses her hard-won virginity to the Dorchester Rugby Club second team, Dougal McDougal is plagued by guilt. An awkward attempt to save Hermione by physically forcing himself into the story post-publication, fails on a legal technicality, and he dies of confusion while trying to impregnate an unconvincing plasticine model of his sweetheart.

More stuff to bear in mind
When you have a cold, try to ensure that you keep fresh tissue paper handy at all times, as sneezing violently into a colleague’s European Journal of Diabetes manuscript, while they’re holding it, is unlikely to be well-received.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, January 10, 2003

 
More Audiville small ads

Goodmans karaoke machine, unwanted children's Christmas present, used over and over again, huge dent, slight bloodstaining and evidence of brain matter, otherwise fine.

Broken wings, take, learn to fly again, learn to live so free.

Reebok Stadium, Premiership-quality football ground, bargain £46m, private sale, phone Nigel Graber, on no account make contact with stadium staff or football club representatives.

Man, in wicker, amazing pet carrier, absolutely terrifying, must go today, really very scary, be very quick, also Edward Woodward.

Japan, large, technologically switched-on nation, grab this great Far-Eastern memorabilia, contact Nigel Graber, can deliver, £44.

Snow, suit cold climate, be quick, going very fast.

Small ad, to fit this space, perfect size, bought in error.
- posted by Nigel @ Wednesday, January 08, 2003