'funny, and not a little bit strange' - the guardian; 'an offbeat treat' - web user
Monday, March 31, 2003
Naughty legislation pushed through?
A Tony Blair, 58, lookalike last night denied that far-reaching and disturbing new laws had been sneaked through under cover of the war in Iraq. Speaking on the new annual Dress Your Pet as a Rabbi Day, Pav Lovsdogs, 74, sporting a French translation of the lyrics to Agadoo on his buttocks, called for Blair’s detractors to be boiled in Tippex.
They have pointed to the new Dwarf Slavery Act, The Westminster Happy Whoring and Gaming Act, The Ugly Sisters of Buxton (Marion and Jean, This Means You) Ducking Stool Act, and the I’ll Sort Out that Horizontal Husband-Filching Whore From Number 36 and Piss on Her Grave Regulations (Amended) 2003, as evidence that the put-upon PM, 62, may be feeling the strain of conflict. Lovsdogs was confident that besieged Blair, 64, would also deny the allegations, once his Navy had liberated Cardiff from the invisible snow-otter and rushed through the first recorded knighthood of a dead swan.
Freak show is latest Audi subscriber
Fenny's (faintly disturbing) Fantabulous Freakfest has become link number 23 for the fast-fizzling-out Audi Olympics.
Friday, March 28, 2003
Am I alone in thinking that Change-Management Consultant is a euphemism for Useless Bullshitting Overconfident Twat with a Stupid Wide Grin and Designer Glasses?
Thursday, March 27, 2003
A polite note for the office girls
Please immediately stop saying ‘literally’ in every sentence. I think it extremely unlikely that your friend was literally born with a silver spoon in her mouth, that Justin Timberlake literally blew the roof off the arena, that Vernon from Accounts was moving so fast at 5 o’clock that he was literally on fire, that the wind literally took the skin off your face, and that last night’s vindaloo literally blew your head off. If I hear this misused expression once more, I will literally mutilate you. Thank you.
Oh, and it's asterisk. Asterix is a pathetic French cartoon character.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Can anyone tell me where I can get regular news reports on the armed conflict in Iraq?
Things that keep me awake at night
Am I wrong, or was it medically impossible to have your penis enlarged until the birth of the Internet?
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Large tin of fish, bought in error, will swap for Sony radio tuner.
If you're a UK war reporter, why does your surname have to begin with 'Han'?
OK, so I'm too busy right now.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Boy or girl?
Wife: Wow! Look at the scan of our baby. Do you think it's a boy or a girl?
Me: A boy.
Wife: What makes you say that?
Me: It's not tidied its womb.
Friday, March 21, 2003
I've always suffered from low self-esteem. But, from today, all that's going to change. From now on, I'm going to be looking after Number 43.
Your internal newsletter has generally been well-received. However, I must point out that this is an extremely formal and dignified company with an excellent global reputation. Against this background, your recent 'looky-likey' feature, in which you posted a picture of Digley Stottle, the Creative Director, next to one of Shrek, and a shot of Commercial Operations Director Geraldine Frabb next to one of Rocky Marciano, was ill-advised. Please apologise to these senior, if admittedly butt-ugly, personnel immediately.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Bank Manager: Well, Mr Graber, you have a business proposition?
Me: Yes, it's a sort of consultancy. I've already earmarked those swanky new offices at Runshaw Village, I know a couple of Swedish girls who can be PAs, I've chosen some nice Italian suits and I'd quite like a Mont Blanc pen. Are they recoverable against tax?
BM: That all sounds excellent, Mr Graber. And what will your clients receive, apart from all this sharp and overstated professionalism?
Me: An invoice. Oh, and a receipt, provided they pay on time. That's right, isn't it? The one who pays gets the receipt? I've never been clear on that.
BM: Mr Graber, is there, perhaps, something crucial missing from your business plan?
Me: A Mercedes SLK with ivory dials?
BM: [speaking into intercom] Diane, please ensure that this buffoon is immediately and violently removed from the premises...
Audi man toasts Vodkabird coup
Vodkabird, a woman struggling to communicate, a condition caused by over-exposure to Limahl, is the 22nd link for The Audi Olympics.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Ever considered having babies instead?
Me: Right, Jenny, it's been 3 months since our last trainee’s writing workshop. Can you remember what we decided to work on last time?
Jenny: Er, not going round the houses?
Me: Yes, good.
Jenny: And do you think I've improved?
Me: Well, you know how I drew that parallel with the businessman who needs to drive from Liverpool to Manchester, and he gets on the M62 – because that's the most direct route – and he achieves his goal with minimum effort and expenditure?
Me: Well, I've had a good look at your recent writing and, let's stick with the Liverpool–Manchester thing, let's just say you've set out from Liverpool, got as far as Speke Airport, but then – for whatever reason – decided to board a flight to Egypt, rented a unicycle and ridden overland to southern Spain, thumbed a lift, ended up on a boat to Mombasa, done a bit of safari, then flown to the USA, possibly via Jo'burg, made it as far as the Kennedy Space Center, blagged your way onto the space shuttle, ditched in the Atlantic, clambered aboard a cargo boat bound for the south coast, taken in the Southampton–Leeds game, then roller-bladed your way up the B-roads to arrive in Manchester only 11 months after you set off.
Jenny: So I've got better, then?
Me: Definitely. Reading your work used to give me an overwhelming desire to die; now I just want to kill you.
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Exhausted blogger speaks to higher powers
Normal service not far off, now. I'm so tired, I've been praying to higher powers: Jesus H. Fu@#ing Christ, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Exhausted ghost blogger gets linked
Hey, I don't even post for four days and I get linked. Mr Insubstantial is link number 21 for The Audi Olympics. And Gert is still auditioning me. If I promise to update sometime in the next fortnight, will I get the part?
Friday, March 14, 2003
When you’re a qualified medical professional, making the following diagnoses could be construed as grossly incompetent:
May 2001: Mr Graber, you have acute muscle wastage caused by the steroidal hay-fever medication that you are taking.
Actual diagnosis: Torn anterior cruciate ligament.
January 2003: Mrs Graber, you are severely depressed and run-down. This condition is causing you to have virulent tropical infection after virulent tropical infection. You must stay off work for eight weeks, minimise contact with other people, and take these strong antidepressants.
Actual diagnosis: Pregnant.
GPs in the UK earn around £55,000 a year.
Chips n' drips
Wife back in hospital on a drip. Kids on fish n' chips. Sorry about substandard blogging recently. The necessary deletions have been made, and those responsible have been reprimanded. I need to focus on other things right now, so I'll get back to you in a few days...
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Audiville Times Personal Services ads
All under-a-tenner ads only £10
Weight loss. Lose 2 stone in under a minute with my rotary saw.
Stopping smoking? I will beat your cigarette cravings, by giving you cigarettes.
Feeling alone? Your perfect partner may be living in your own home! We will introduce you to your wife or husband, finder's fee applies.
Shady, untrustworthy character seeks your property.
Homeless? I will sell you a house from only £99,000.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Today is my 40th birthday. I'll be celebrating later with some Crispy Athletic Duck. Please may I have the day off?
Things normal people don't do on their 40th birthday
When a colleague says, "There’s a couple of lads in the studio with a birthday today, too. Do you fancy coming to the pub for a knees-up at dinner?" say, "Thanks, but no thanks," and go for a six-mile run over the peaks and along the canal instead.
Monday, March 10, 2003
Audiville Restaurant – a la carte menu
Hot Etna Wrap – hot hot hot! Plasma drizzled in basalt lava on a bed of volcanic ash and dark matter - eat from the edge.
Thames-in-a-bowl soup. Eat this soup every day and live to be 100 (offer open to centenarians only).
Trilogy of goats crossing bridge, with sun-dried Monterey Jack troll, fresh grass on other side, served with medley of Bee Gees classics.
Existentialist crabs, served on hot Kafka bread. These little blighters will explore moral choice, arguing against an objective, rational basis for decisions and stressing the importance of individualism in questions of morality, truth and appetite. Don’t be deterred or feel sorry. Strike back with Anselm, explain that existence has a pattern, cite the Teleological Argument, and then tuck in! They’re bloody delicious.
Crispy athletic duck, still on the run, be quick.
Mussels with attitude, seafood not prepared to go without a fight, simply will not lie down. Good luck.
Chef’s special. Isn’t he? We do love him.
Contradictory clams, seafood for the lonely diner, will pick an argument at a funeral.
Espresso coffee, very fast drink, served on the back of a Ducati 996 superbike, be quick.
Naive blogger asks spectacularly dumb question
What's blogrolling, apart from being the place where they dish out the Bloggies, and why am I listed on the site?
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Film review: quite possibly dead
Film: Oh brother, where art thou?
Stars: George Clooney, some cheeky chappies
Cost: Free, on hastily donated DVD
George Clooney and some cheeky chappies escape from a '30s chain gang and sing Deep South ballads while having misadventure after misadventure. Oh, how I laughed as George Clooney and some cheeky chappies sang Deep South ballads while having misadventure after misadventure. As the film built to its tumultuous climax, I was asleep like a log, or quite possibly dead, but, call me perceptive - call me, if you like, psychic - but I reckon George Clooney and some cheeky chappies sang Deep South ballads while having misadventure after misadventure. I would agree with the reviewer who felt this film was unmissable only if, for some reason, you were welded to the front of the TV with your finger frustratingly just out of reach of the 'off' button. It would be hard to miss it under those circumstances.
Man A: My mother-in-law's breasts are so big, her bra's a Mark F.
Man B: A Mark F? What the hell's a Mark F?
Man A: One size bigger than a Mark E.
Friday, March 07, 2003
Things it's best not to do when working from home
Send in your weekly timesheet with the figure 'zero' in the client-chargeable-hours column.
Phone yourself up to say you're feeling a bit rough, but should be in later.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Audi man finds new level of exhaustion
Wife hospitalised. Husband on school run, making school dinners, helping with homework, washing clothes, cooking meals, doing full working day, running shuttle service to hospital, fielding phone-calls, presenting training courses, ironing the kids. Husband bloody buggered. Sorry. Husband wonders why the pigging hell anyone would want to be a wife. Husband suggests you try the archives for a few days (but not before about October - when I realised an autobiographical diary was as dull as lemon soap suds). Alternatively, Tony Malloy is a good read.
Normal service to be resumed shortly. Give me some latitude, here. I'm planning on being funny tomorrow, or possibly late Saturday.
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Random thought, just to keep my blog-a-day average up - in between whizzing back and forwards to the hospital, where they're pumping my wife full of fluids: if nectar is so bloody nice, why do we never eat or drink it?
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Little-known medical conditions: shared-bowel syndrome
Your questions answered
What is shared-bowel syndrome (SBS)?
Shared-bowel syndrome is characterised by two people sharing one set of bowels.
How do I know if someone is sharing my bowels?
Try turning round quickly, or shouting “Is that you, Gwendoline?” Try to come to some kind of freehold arrangement and extract a reasonable monthly rental for the size of the bowel and the level of interior furnishing provided.
How common is SBS?
SBS is rare. To date, there have been no cases of SBS recorded anywhere in the world.
Sensitive discussion bit
If you suffer from mild abdominal discomfort, bloating or uncomfortable wind, or you suspect there is someone physically attached to your innards, speak to your doctor, a reputable plumber or a qualified tree surgeon. You should see your doctor, usually with your SBS partner, and discuss your symptoms openly, though it may be uncomfortable to do so, particularly if the chairs are small. Tell your doctor about your symptoms and how they are affecting your daily life, your ability to land one job that pays two salaries, and the fights you are having over the TV remote. Depending on the severity of the condition, your doctor will either laugh openly or perfom a ‘TUBE’ (Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination). Don’t worry: SBS can be beaten, with a carefully prepared, individually tailored management programme, with aromatherapy, or with a hacksaw.
Monday, March 03, 2003
Great new baby-naming comp
We recently ran a fantastic Why the hell is it called The Audi Olympics? competition, in which Steve Garrett won a blank piece of paper and half a cormorant. It was a success in every way except that we didn’t find out why the hell it’s called The Audi Olympics, and Steve never received his prize. Now, here’s another great online comp.
I’m pregnant. While tests are going on to establish the identity of the mother, it’s time to get cracking on naming the little bugger. As things stand, the favourites are:
5 Dark Destroyer
Can you do better? If you suggest a name, and we go with it in September, you will win a signed* sketch of Imran Khan’s elbow, and part of a dry-cleaning receipt.
*not by Imran Khan
Sunday, March 02, 2003
Some advice for the Football Association
When you’re organising the Worthington Cup final, and you’re choosing a prominent but useless politician to be guest of honour, try not to select one who’s also blind. That way, you can be more or less certain he won't blunder into the referee and headbutt the fourth official at the opening ceremony. No doubt, he will also have some idea what the hell is going on.
40 minus nine days
Yes, my thirties are elapsing. Sympathy, please - right now.
Blog from nowhere is link no. 19
Bandhag, a blog out of the blue, is link number 19 for The Audi Olympics. I wouldn't want you to think I'm obsessed with collecting links. I am, but I wouldn't want you to think it.
...and no. 20
And Admiral Online, a sort of professional news service that's like the BBC, only professional, is link number 20.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Audi man in driving scam
Audiville Traffic Police
Dear Mr Graber
You have no doubt read the recent publicity about the man cleared of drink-driving charges because he was sleepwalking. However, your recent habit of exceeding 120mph in pedestrianised areas, being four times over the drink-drive limit, verbally abusing my officers and making offensive hand signals can in no way be mitigated by wearing nothing but fleecy pyjamas and sipping Ovaltine as you drive. Please rectify this situation.
'I am' linked again
Plain and simple Laura (As I am), plus a small gendarmerie of French followers, has become the 18th link for The Audi Olympics.