audi olympics
'funny, and not a little bit strange' - the guardian; 'an offbeat treat' - web user
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Lung inevitabilities

When you are married for the first time, and your wife’s mother gets very ill and has a lung removed and, following a visit to her house, she kindly provides you with some meat in a bag to have for tea the next day, on arrival home you will carefully open the bag, then you will scream like a banshee and hurl the entire package with maximum force from the window of your fourth-floor flat. When you have stopped sweating and shaking, your wife will press you for an explanation, and you will say, “What do you mean, 'What was all that about'? Your mother has only accidentally packed her bloody lung for us, that’s what.” Your now ex-wife will then explain that the matter formerly of the bag but now of the roof of Mr Schmizer’s Volvo was pureed lamb’s liver.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Identity inevitabilities

When you have a bin liner full of important bank, building society and insurance-related documents that you are looking for an opportunity to burn, Bonfire Night will come around. You will then place the documents on a convenient fire. It will then rain, though, and, the following day, the unharmed literature will be scattered to the four winds. As a result, your identity will be partially assumed by one of the Abyssinian terrorists living with full government consent in your summerhouse, and your already-dead grandmother will be groomed and killed by the Russian government.
Monday, November 24, 2003
More observations from the garden

When you have placed both your daughter’s packed lunch and a load of freshly laid, steaming cat poo in identical supermarket bags in the hall of your home, it is to be much regretted when she selects the wrong bag.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Cashpoint inevitabilities

When you get a friend to drop you off at a cashpoint in the lashing rain, always try to ensure that he doesn’t move his car while you are getting your cash. Even better, try to ensure that another, almost identical car does not fill the space he has just vacated. When you rush back to the parking bays, semi-blind, with a coat hood covering your eyes, and leap in to the vehicle, the round-nosed, gentle, sweet, timid, astonished old lady sitting next to you will suffer a cardiac arrest.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Observations from the garden

The baking-hot radiator in the hall of your home is an enormously ill-judged location for a bag of fresh cat-litter droppings.

Bugley Snedge of is something like the 93rd blogger to blogroll me. If you have also linked me, but not been acknowledged or given a preposterous name, please speak up.
Friday, November 21, 2003

Me: Well played. Fancy a decider?
Ste: What do you mean, 'a decider'? I've thumped you in both sets.
Me: I didn't say what we were deciding.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Mixed felines

When you’re called into the front street by a distressed little boy who explains that your cat, Edward, has been run over, and you scrape him up into a bin liner and take him to the vet and, in memory of your eight years together, you decide on a £50 pet casket, then you drive home in tears, and walk through the front door, you will be absolutely astonished to see, right there on the settee, Edward licking his arse. You will almost immediately begin to wonder, probably out loud and in a sort of confused mumble, exactly whose cat you have taken to be cremated, whether it was actually dead, and how much of a twat you feel right now.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Thumbs a-twiddle

When you’re a copywriter working from home, the effect of coming up with great ideas for national and international ad campaigns, such as Make yourself Marmighty (Marmite) and Classic lines redrawn (Jaguar X-type), is slightly negated by the fact that you don’t have a contract, retainer or any kind of compensatory working arrangement whatsoever with the ad agencies that service those particular clients.

See also the next Foster's ad, which wasn't.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Dental as anything

Working for yourself from home offers a great opportunity to pay attention once more to those small things that you may have let go when chasing the nine to five. Workload permitting, of course. Yes, the four-hour floss is a fine way to begin each new day.
Friday, November 14, 2003
Guest Blogger :Zed

Naming your children.

It is not clever to name your child after a brand of raisin, such as Dole, for several reasons that I really needn't go into here, nor is it smart to name your child after a brand of car, such as Lada. Ferrari is equally tacky, whereas Rover at least has class, especially if your child is a dog.

When naming your child after celebrities, there are far too many Courtneys to fill the world, as there are Tiffanys, so don't be fooled into that trick or else you may try and score an ace by naming your just-born son after Tim Henman, which is indeed a sad, and miserable name to give to your son, especially after he says "Browse my latest photos in MediaWorld ...". Now please, pass the bucket.

Let's move onto Tim Burton, the Director of, among many things, 'Beetlejuice'. At least this man is not half as way up himself as that poor lad, Henman. There is also the fictional "Tiny Tim", but of course, his name is totally inappropriate which makes us move onto Timothy Spall, who starts off by saying that he is "Perhaps the actor most closely associated with Mike Leigh," .... riiiiiight.

My three gems are, obviously, the much-loved Timothy Mallett, who "is best known as the utterly brilliant colourful Man With the Mullet Mallet!" Well, of course.

And then there is Christopher Timothy, who, although I realise that it's actually his surname that is Timothy, isn't a bad actor - but not as good as the last on my short list, Tim Robbins. So, kiddies, beware when you name your next child. It's future lies in your hands, and no one wants to end up like a Geldof. Do they ...?

God that was boring. But Eastenders is about to start.
Tribute Blogger: Robin.


When autumn comes and the nights draw in and you have to walk back from the station in the dark because the clocks have been changed even though this probably benefits people in the north of Scotland rather more than you but you won't complain, and when you have to dodge a large three wheeler pram because the pavement simply isn't wide enough for both of you and you get annoyed because the driver of the pram fails to acknowledge your considerate behaviour which though not the end of the world is bad enough but it's particularly irritating that she's not properly in control of the thing because she's on her mobile, and when your irritation roughly trebles because you notice that she's pregnant and smoking which is a big issue for you, then when you step back onto the pavement and are turning round to face front again the thing that you just catch sight of out of the corner of your eye and think is a leaf will turn out to be a dog turd and you will put your foot right in it.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Curses From Around The World

Guest Blogger: Spengy

Arabic: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits
Indian: Die, may he: Tiger, catch him; Snake bite him; Steep hill, fall down on him; River, flow over him; Wild boar, bite him
Fijian: May you dig up your ancestors by moonlight and make soup of their bones
American: May you be cursed with chronic anxiety about the weather (John Burroughs: 1837-1921)
Chinese: May you live in interesting times
Irish: No butter be on your milk nor on your ducks a web. May your child not walk and your cow be flayed. And may the flame be bigger and wider which will go through your soul than the Connemara mountains if they were on fire
Guest Blogger : Zed

Naming your blog

A lot of preparation goes into the first, most important decision about your blog. It has nothing to do with the size and colour of your font, the background colour and actual layout of your blog, but the name of your blog. Like a child, you must remember that everyone will always remember your blog first and foremost by its name and then the drivel that goes with it.

So it will come as absolutely no surprise to you that Mr Graber came up with the name 'Audi Olympics' under somewhat unusual conditions and which has stuck. This blog has had to bear the burden of the rather strange name for just over a year now, something which it will never be able to forgive Mr Graber for. And so I leave it to you, my audience, to guess how the name came about, before this blog commits a very bloody suicide.
Guest Blogger: Robin.

Order of Events - Last Week’s Solutions.

The correct answers were:

1. The Rise of the Roman Empire > The Fall of the Roman Empire.
2. Kingston > The Kingston bypass.
3. The Difference of Opinion of the Spanish Succession > The War of the Spanish Succession.
4. Night > Day.
5. Famous football club appoints Glenn Hoddle on a vast salary > Famous football club languishes mid-table with demoralised squad.

(4 and 5 were trick questions and either order was acceptable.)

Well done to ‘Bunty Ticklethwaite’ of Inside Information who submitted the only correct entry.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Guest blogger : Zed

Going round the bend

When Mr Graber's toilet got blocked he felt that there was some urgency to get it unblocked once four days had gone by, and so he sought some help.

"How do you unblock a toilet?"
"It's easy, Nigel. Now, have you got a mop with a long handle?"
"No. But I have a coat hanger."
"I really need a mop."
"We don't have one. But I do have a wire coat hanger."
"Alright, Nigel. Then if you'd get me a long-handled brush and an old towel and I will show you what to do to create a vacuum."

After much thought, Mr Graber asked "But how will I get the handle round the bend?"
Guest blogger: Mark

Cinema Londonmark: 5 – Armour of Shanghai Police Rush Story

He jumps, he flips, he dives. He's Jackie Chan, and it's another stunt-heavy, plot-light thrill-o-rama from the master of comedy kung fu. While Jackie's working for the Hong Kong police, that guy from the other martial arts flick stole something really important and Jackie needs to partner up with that black guy from SNL who isn't Chris Rock in order to retrieve it, while eluding the clutches of the villain's henchwoman, that girl who might have been in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. He's out of Hong Kong. He's out of his jurisdiction. And he's out of his depth.

Set in Hong Kong and somewhere behind the Paramount lot, this action adventure has fight scenes, car chases and everything you'd expect from a classic Jackie Chan movie. Marvel as Jackie leaps off a tall building, fracturing his collar bone. Laugh as Jackie takes on fifteen armed soldiers with only a rubber chicken to protect him, breaking his leg in three places. Gasp as Jackie jumps from a speeding car into a helicopter then onto a jet-ski and then into a cable car, snapping every damn bone in his body. No, we don't know why he does it either.

In cinemas now.
New English Words

Strobe Guggle: Spengy

Fot: The sound made when breaking the paper seal on a Nescafe coffee jar.
Tribute Blogger: Robin.


Inflatable available for parties etc. Ultimate in children's r&b entertainment.
Beyoncey Castle, £50 p.d.

For Sale.
Remaindered Halloween Toys, inc Teletubbies Special Edition ‘Edgar Allen’ Po.

Trees, as seen. Clearance sale, to enable view of wood.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Guest blogger: Mark

Cinema Londonmark: 4 – A New Empire Menace Hope Strikes Clones

Take one tall guy in a monkey suit, a camp English robot, an annoying floppy-eared klutz, a few guys in cool robes and with even cooler swords with differently-coloured light beams, a short green fella, an evil chap with really bad skin, and some guys in white plastic outfits with ray guns. Add to this some parental absenteeism, mistaken identity shenanigans, a supernatural spiritual presence, British character actors, an awful lot of CG effects and some terrible dialogue. Stir until endlessly debated on talkboards.

Divide into six equal slices and serve three of them immediately, leaving the other three to cool for about twenty years or so. You can add further ingredients to taste: better robots, better CG, worse dialogue, more fight scenes, worse romantic plot points – whatever you like, really. Remember that the last/first three slices should be served without any plot tension whatsoever.

In cinemas now.
Guest blogger: Mark

Cinema Londonmark: 3 – The Gingerbread Pelican Firm Client Brief

See the young lawyer from the wrong side of town work his way through the US legal system, attempting to uncover a secret conspiracy, attempting to preserve his marriage, attempting to resist his beautiful but enigmatic client, attempting to work out who has killed his long-time mentor (who may or may not be his real father), and attempting to uphold truth, justice and extortionate fees. Who is on whose side? Who can get to the truth first? Who writes this drivel?

Starring Tom Cruise (if ill, get Matt Damon or Matthew McConaughey) and Robert Duvall (or Morgan Freeman or Gene Hackman), The Gingerbread Pelican Firm Client Brief is a courtroom thriller that's guilty of having you on the edge of your seat. Judge for yourself!

In cinemas now.

Let Bugs Gorge: Spengy

DINK: Double income; No kids
DIAMONDS: Double income; Awesome mortgage; Offspring; No dough; Sinking
DOA: Deteriorates on approach
DNA: National Dyslexic Association
Guest Blogger : Zed


It is always a good idea to make extra storage space in your airing cupboard by adding extra shelves. If this is done correctly and with excellent precision, you can drill through the airing cupboard walls into each bedroom on either side of the airing cupboard, thus providing extra coathangers in each room when the screws follow through the holes.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Just Chipping in

Guest blogger: Mark

Cinema Londonmark: 2 – The Remains Of Howard's Room With The End

Emma Thompson sighs. Julian Sands paces across the room looking furtive and uneasy. Love, but not love. Oh. Sandwiches are served. Dame Maggie Smith ruminates over a macaroon. Oh. But. A village vicar cycles past. Sir Anthony Hopkins adjusts his tie. Didn't we know all along, but could not speak such words? A saucer rattles. Denholm Elliott sighs. Oh. Su le finestre mostra a tutti il mio cuore che hai accesso.

Helena Bonham Carter enters the room, sees Julian Sands and stops, her hand rising to cover her open mouth. More tea is poured. The heavy curtains in the drawing room shiver and billow in the light countryside breeze. Dame Judi Dench has finished her slice of cake. Oh. I should go. The servants mutter. It can never be. Oh. Sir Anthony Hopkins sighs. The lake has never looked more beautiful. Emma Thompson sighs once more, as Rupert Graves stops playing Couperin mid-chord. It will be autumn soon.

In cinemas now.
Guest Blogger: Robin.

Order of Events.

Place the following musical events or personalities in the only possible order.

1. a) Jimi Hendrix: b) The invention of the electric guitar.

2. a) Stevie Wonder: b) the bigheaded gasguzzling pot-addled git in J*miroquai.

3. a) Lenny Kr*vitz: b) The invention of Jimi Hendrix.

4. a) The Darkness: b) The last thirty years.

5. a) Loads of talentless American r&b acts that only a bunch of clueless idiots would ever dream of copying: b) Blazin' Squ*d.

(Asterisks denote borderline swearing and are to spare our host the worst kind of googlegrockles.)
Guest blogger: Mark

Cinema Londonmark: 1 – Four Weddings and a Notting Hill Diary, Actually

It's a heart-warming story of love, loss, love, biscuits, tea, friendship, tea, token Americans, tea and love. Hugh Grant stars as a hopeless Englishman with floppy hair who, despite his charms and floppy hair, finds it hard to find his perfect love who will adore him simply for who he is (and his floppy hair). Everyone who Hugh knew at RADA co-stars in this ensemble comedy which gives Hugh all the best lines and reduces previously respected actors to bit players. Oh, and which you'll just love!

Roll around the aisles when Hugh gets into a frantic mix-up over whose cup of tea belongs to whom. Laugh until your gums bleed when Alan Rickman/Simon Callow/Tim McInnery/Colin Firth accidentally falls over. Envy their effortless upper-middle-class lives. Cry when they shift the tone suddenly and someone dies. Call for the ambulances when the Scottish or Welsh person does that really cute accent. Retch when Andie McDowell/Julia Roberts/Renee Zellweger realises that they are in love. There's something for everyone who's ever lived, loved or been ripped off by Working Title.

In cinemas now.
Guest blogger : Zed.


Mr Graber was looking for work until he got hit on the head by a mountain of freelance work, none of it involving D.I.Y. or having to deal with electricity. These two domaines of employment are best left to the professionals, as all sorts of things can happen.

The simple installation of curtain poles can have you drilling through a cable causing a loud bang, and if you are not trained in the profession, you'll probably say 'blast', turn on the electricity again and carry on with what you were doing by putting your electric drill back into the hole. It is of great surprise to me and many others that Mr Graber is not a burnt, black hole on the floor of his lounge.
First In

Egg Lust or Beg: Spengy

First in for the second week. Grabs the best spot on the comfortable chair. Unpacks sleeping bag, thermos and fire extinguisher.
Sunday, November 09, 2003

A big, big thanks to Gordon, Spengy, Zoe, Sarah and Robin for their brilliant contributions this week. For the next seven days, Audi Olympics will come to you care of:

Mark (of LondonMark)
Zoe (she's offered to stay on)
Robin (yes, Robin offered too)

...and possibly me. Gordon Snowgoon and Spengy are equally welcome to chip in.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Guest blogger : Zed

An open letter from Mr Graber.

Dear Zebedee,

Your posts this week have been of the highest quality. Every morning, when I wake up, the first thing that I have to do, before kissing my lovely wife, Mrs Graber, my children and your e-godson, Tiger Tim, is fire up my laptop and see what you have posted. Your posts make my heart sing and help me face each new day with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.

Dear Zebedee, to me, you are the Kylie of the Blogging World, the Car-boot sale of the Week, the pin-up of the Month. To me, you are my everything which is why I find myself out here, in the middle of the night with nothing but a blanket and a pillow trying to sleep in the charred summer house.

My nights are now restless and I beg you to stay here for another week. Your wit and humour has had me laughing sideways and upside-down, your love has made Tiger Tim grow an extra inch and to be quite honest, I really didn't think that you could spend an entire week in the sanity and luxury of my haven.

Please, please, do stay,

Yours sincerely,

Mr Graber.

Eh ? Should I stay or should I go ?

Guest Blogger : Zed

When laying down a patio, it is always wise to make sure that there isn't any paper stuck to the slabs and even wiser to lay down the slabs the right way up. This will stop you from performing a rain-dance in the hope that there will be a sudden downpour thus loosening the paper stuck on each slab.
Friday, November 07, 2003
Guest Blogger: Robin.

Question of the Day.

Q. How many Audi Olympics guest blggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None, because we all figured we'd wait for Nigel to come back and do it because after all it was his place and he'd probably do it better anyway.

Shortly after the motion for inactivity was carried we came under rocket attack and, particularly in view of the reluctance of Spengy and Zed to be parted from their beer and red wine respectively, it soon became a matter of urgency to find a fire extinguisher. This presented no easy task in a strange shed in total darkness and so a new question arose:

How many Audi Olympics guest blggers does it take to find a fire extinguisher?

I began to suspect that my interest in the answer to that question was not altogether shared by my chums. It's hard to count heads in the dark and when I switched to thighs some harsh words were exchanged.

Gordon, ever logical, suggested that we might have more luck if we replaced the lightbulb first and so had some light to search by, but there was no need because by then the flames all around us were providing ample illumination.

“OK, OK!” I shouted through the small window. “Nigel, you've made your point. We'll change the bloody bulb! Just tell us where you keep them.”

Tomorrow's Question of the Day..
How many Audi Olympics guest blggers does it take to build a shed?
Bonfire night, Mr Graber's way.

Guest blogger : Zed

Mr Graber went out to get some medicine for Tiger Tim who wasn't feeling very well, and left the shop with 12 Super Rockets to add to his collection of fireworks for the big night. There were lots of children in the house being doted upon by loving adults whilst Mr Graber made his final preparations in the garden that would have made Mr Fawkes proud, were he to be around today.

Following the strict Firework Code, Mr Graber then commenced upon his absolutely breath-taking firework display, involving a non-spinning Catherine Wheel nailed so firmly onto the summer house that the bucket of water was needed and the summer house is now rather black. Not one to be outdone Mr Graber then lit the rockets in the plant pot and knocked it over in his mother's direction. Trying to kill your mother is never a good idea, especially when there are several witnesses.

Tiger Tim is still waiting for his medicine.
Host blogger: Audi Man

Guest blogging - week #2

Hi, Audi Man here. Remember me? Audi Man just needs to briefly interrupt these excellent people to remind you all that there are two weeks of guest blogging. Interested parties for next week should sign-up in Comments or by e-mail.
Cure for the Cold

Borg Gets Glue: Spengy

Punter: I hab a turrible cold. Could you recommend anyfing barmon?
Barman Spengy: Certainly sir. You should drink three pints of Guinness followed by a pint glass three quarters filled with Lambs dark rum. Then you should immediately go to bed and sleep.
Punter: Will dat cure my cold?
Barman Spengy: It should. When you wake up you won't feel like you have a cold at all.
Punter: Are you sure?
Barman Spengy: Absolutely sir. Your hangover will drown out whatever else you have.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Guest Blogger: Robin.

Lost For Words.

I enjoyed Zed's approach to inane questions below. It put me in mind of an incident six years ago.

Not for the first time in my life the practical had just triumphed over the theoretical. I was picking up small pieces of the nearside wing mirror after a gatepost had turned out not to be where I thought it should be when an old lady walked up to me and asked:

“What made you want to go and do a stupid thing like that for?”

I was dumbstruck. This was probably the only occasion I have ever regretted not wearing one of those t-shirts that does your swearing for you. I had a vision of leading her back into her small house and then shouting various things like “What made you want to go and buy a hideous carpet like that for?” or “What makes you think that any of your cats actually like you?” Still I said nothing.

Then it occurred to me that I was being too theoretical and that perhaps a more practical approach would be best. Whether to punch her in the jaw or kick her in the ankle became the point at issue. I had decided on the ankle and was just choosing which one when some mewling and puking from the back seat brought me out of my trance. I picked up the last piece, got back in and drove on, having resolved never to turn round in someone's driveway again.

I still don't know what I should have said.

Other T shirts I Have Regretted Not Owning On at Least One Occasion.
In the supermarket, one that read “My Other Children Are Obedient.”
Remember, remember


Despite the warning of the poem, I forgot yesterday was Guy Fawkes.

And anyway, why do we celebrate failing to blow up Parliament?

Guestblogger : Zed

I have a busy day ahead as Mr Graber has asked me to dust all of his templates and archives. Mr Graber also mentioned that I should polish the Guardian's quote at the top of the page so that everybody could see it more clearly and stand back in awe at his absolute brilliance.

The other instruction was to brush down the rather charred Mrs Graber Snr who has been left outside all night to cool down after her son set her on fire.
Can You Speak A Foreign Language?

Lube Gets Grog: Spengy

Aussie speak:

1. Tail light = Not bright enough to be a headlight = A little dim
2. Couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock = Couple of snags short of a BBQ = Not all there
3. Rattle your dags = I can't wait all day = Hurry up
4. Don't post when pissed = Don't post when pissed = Australian
Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Guest: Sarah

Today, Audi Man has been setting fire to the shed and his mother. And I learned how to make a potato pie.

I hope you weren't expecting this to be interesting.
Passing Pleasantaries

Flogging-Guest : Zed

When asked by a colleague "Oh, Zoe, have you had your hair cut ?" it is not altogether uncommon that the reply will be "No, it shrank when I washed it this morning." I tend to have little to say when asked a stupid question. And the same applies about my children, of which I have 1.1 more than Robin and .9 less than Mr Graber, depending on my youngest's date of shipment out to Australia.

As it stands, I have 3.1 children. One is wrapped up in brown paper and a bit of bubblewrap, 1 is a dear sweetheart, considering her age, whereas her twin sister is a stroppy little cow. She has her moments though, and those are even worse. The .1 of my children is smoking himself to death and I think I'll give him another 49 hours before meeting his maker, give or take.

When people gasp in sheer lunacy amazement when they see my brood and then state the bloody obvious "Oh Zoe, haven't they grown ?", the reply will either be "Yes, they have. It's better than shrinking," or "Thank God for that, considering you haven't seen them in over 5 years."
New house owner etiquette


New people across the road. Who makes the first move? Them? Us? And should the fact that they have a Blofeld-esque cat lounging on the windowsill at the moment put me off going over there?

S.P.E.C.T.R.E. headquarters - relocated in Hamilton?

Great, I just know I'm gonna fumble the introduction now: "Hi, my names Bon... emm I mean, Gordon..."
Useful Advice for Overseas Visitors to London

Globes Tugger: Spengy

As I'm being exposed to a much larger global audience I thought I'd pass on my experiences after nine months of living in London;

1. On the Underground do not be fooled by uniformed beggars who go around asking "Tickets please".
2. Houses of ill repute are indicated by a blue light outside.
3. In this country taxi queues face backwards and it is traditional to haggle with the driver at the end of your journey.
4. All drinks are free in a pub where a sign "Free House" is displayed.
5. The ravens are tame at the Tower of London and are familiar with being handled.
6. Try the new open air toilets in Trafalgar Square.
7. American motorists should remember "Gasoline" is called "Diesel" when filling up your rental vehicle.
8. Millwall fans are affectionately called "Fairies".
9. The quietest time for a day trip to Glastonbury is the last weekend in June.
10. Try out the famous echo in the British Museum's Reading Room.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Guest Blogger: Robin.

The hallowed Olympic turf is beginning to feel more familiar beneath my hesitant feet so perhaps now is a good time to share a little more about myself.

Family Man.
I am Robin Preene, husband and father of two (marvellous) chldn aged 10 and 8. Nigel has twice as many and publicly pointed this out to me once in a comment box elsewhere. Did he and Sarah set out deliberately to raise an entire Davis Cup team? Perhaps we'll never know. However with things the way they are it can't be too many years before Team Graber is actually representing our nation with the hairy ball and I'm sure we would all welcome that.

I am interested in many things and all aspects of our culture both high and low. I also remain fascinated by the difference between the various green bottles upstairs in the bathroom which claim to relieve stress but don’t and the various green bottles downstairs in the fridge which don’t but do.

Signs I Have Enjoyed Recently.
About a fortnight ago I spotted a sign in our local corner shop that read:

“We are cheaper than you think.”

I'm afraid I couldn't resist it. I picked up a can of spaghetti hoops, approached the counter and declared in a clear voice;
“I think this item costs 41p,” then proffered 40p.

Some of the banter that followed was less good natured than I felt was warranted. In retrospect it might have been worth conceding the point and paying that extra penny but I've never been a quitter and some things, like holding people to their pledges, are worth making a stand for. After a while I said that we had better agree to disagree but he declined to meet me even in this. In the end I thought it best to buy the Guardian, leave the spaghetti and walk away with head held high.
Missing :

Guestblogger : Zed

My mind.

This happens quite often and as such there has been no medical research that has proven it to be of any worry. Why I would want to go to work with a clean pair of undies on when I had a spare pair down one of the legs of my jeans is hard to explain. Spare pairs of knickers peaking out at the bottom of your jeans is so 80s, when it was, of course, the hip thing to do.

Fortunately, after much examination by a colleague, he managed to pull out my mind that was entangled inbetween the fine lacing at the top of my knickers. I inserted my mind back into my head via my left nostril and tried not to sneeze for at least an hour. Things are back to normal for today.
Murphy's Law

Begot Slugger: Spengy

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Under pressure things tend to go wrong.
Joking Aside

Guest Blogger: Gordon.

Oh yes, Guest Blogging. Ermm...

Hear the one about the Doctor Fish?

Ohhh that's a serious topic. Crap. OK. Time for my favourite joke:

Two lions walking down Oxford Street, one turns to the other and says: "Quiet, ain't it."

Monday, November 03, 2003
Ever seen Mr Bean ?

Guestblogger : Zed

It's always extremely useful to have a child who watches too much TV present in the kitchen when you are stuffing the turkey and have both hands up it. They will be sure to ask you if you have taken your watch off.
Guest Blogger: Robin.

Rhetorical Questions I Have Enjoyed Recently.

I noticed an intriguing lyric in the latest Sophie Ellis Bextor single. She asks us:

“What would you do within my shoes?”

There’s only one correct answer Soph and every schoolboy knows it.
Last and least

Guest blogger: Spengy

That will teach me to check my Hotmail account more regularly.

Looks around in wonder at all the stuff neatly piled up. Looks at all the other guest bloggers. All the best seats are already taken. Sits on floor. Thinks about running amuck. Thinks better of it. Will save that for the last day before we have to clean up and hand Audi Olympics back to Mr Graber.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Not last, but least

Guest blogger: Sarah

How do you do. I am the long-suffering wife of Audi Man, and longer-suffering mother of his children - four at the last count. And believe me, there are so many of them, we do have to count them everywhere we go.

I shall be sharing my thoughts with you throughout this week, but you'll all have to bear with me. I do not share Audi Man's writing skills or sense of humour.

Hannah, our 8-year-old, has just shown me how to work this blog-thing. Thanks, Han.
Introducing the real me.
Guest Blogger: Gordon.

OK, let's get one thing straight. My name ain't, and never has been, and unless I get as drunk as I was on Friday night and change my name by deed poll, never will be...

What? No I'm on the PC dear... guesting on the strange blokes site, remember I told you... what's that? What post? Deed poll? ...

Ahem... So... Yes... Anyway...

I've been Gordon Snowgoon. Back to the studio.
Introducing Me.

Guest Blogger: Yourname.

I am Robin Preene, husband and father of two. Thanks to Nigel. Hello to Zed. I hope to be sharing a little more about myself through the week but I don't want to hurry.

World of Sports.
Heard yesterday on Radio 4. “Scotland beat Fiji in a nailbiting match.” I bet that was hard to follow without binoculars.
Introducing Me.

Guest Blogger :Zed

This is all very strange. It's like being in someone else's house when they don't know. Anyway, you'll have to bear with me for the next week as I've been invited to guest-blog. The email was rather strange. I have to refer to the owner of this blog as Mr Graber and words such as Father and Christmas should not be used. Ooops, I've already broken that rule. Oh, and I'm not allowed to talk about sexual intercourse. This will be an interesting week.

Mr Graber also said to stick to the 'house style'. House Style ? Is that like Garage Music ? What on earth is that ? More small ads ? Oh come on, Mr Graber, why not simply go straight to Ebay instead of fluffing around here. You'd get higher bids too. And Mr Graber's last command was not to slag him off. This is something that Mrs Graber and I shall be discussing in depth.

Dear me, this is going to be painful - but not for me. So that's alright.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Small ads

Medicurl, I will curl your intestines around your brain, call now for Christmas, Keith, Audiville 22666.

Ford Thrustbuster, 16v, turbo, memory seats, seats just a memory, as is engine, wheels, little sods, free, Audiville 9990.

Next week's bloggers
From midnight tonight, for a whole week, Audi Olympics will be brought to you by:

Gordon Snowgoon of Gordon Snowgoon.
Spengy of British Dispatches.
Zoe of My Boyfriend.
Robin of Speaking as a Preene.
Sarah Audi Woman of Audiville.

I leave you in good hands, and an even better small intestine.

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