'funny, and not a little bit strange' - the guardian; 'an offbeat treat' - web user
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Smoking and driving: incident 3 of 3
When you had a spell in your life when, for some reason, you smoked small cigars, you should not smoke and drive. What will happen is that you will decide to drive from Slough to Dundee for a job interview, a distance of 475 miles, all in one go. Somewhere on the M6 near Lancaster, you will begin to nod off. Aware of the rejuvenating properties of Hamlet cigars, you will reach for your five-pack, which you have stupidly placed on the passenger side of the dash.
If you are squeamish, look away now. Why not? I did. Whilst you are scrabbling around in the passenger footwell, you will feel the road become a little bumpy. When you look up, you will notice that you are travelling at 82mph on the rough grass strip separating the outside lane of the M6 from the metal barrier on the central reservation.
In later years, you will recall this as being better than drugs, better than sex, maybe even better than Nintendo. Your car will strike the central reservation. It will go into a lethal four-wheel spin. You will cross three lanes of the motorway.
Observing the whites of oncoming drivers' eyes as you carousel across Britain's busiest motorway, you will feel faintly embarrassed, and you will sort of smile and wave a bit. Your vehicle will then hit the barrier on the hard shoulder and rebound onto the inside lane, with your driver's door facing the oncoming traffic. At this point, you will decide that selecting reverse gear is probably the best option. Shortly after this incident, you will stop smoking.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Smoking and driving: incident 2 of 3
When you had a spell in your life when, for some reason, you smoked small cigars, you should not smoke and drive. What will happen is that you will finish your cigar, you will wind down your window and eject the small stub (I know, I know - I wouldn't do this now). You will then become curious at the strange hand signals and frantic motioning of other roadusers, but you will nevertheless return their cheery waves. Ten minutes later, you will be stopped by a traffic rozzer. You will wind down your window and he will say, "Excuse me, Sir, are you aware that the rear portion of your vehicle is entirely consumed by fire?"
Monday, February 23, 2004
Smoking and driving: incident 1 of 3
When you had a spell in your life when, for some reason, you smoked small cigars, you should not smoke and drive. What will happen is that, one day, you will place your pack of cigars beyond the steering wheel, in front of the speedo. What will then happen is that, when you turn a corner, you will reach for your cigars through your spoked steering wheel. When the road straightens up, you will need to turn the wheel back again. You will then be faced with a spectacular choice: a) avoid an accident, but snap off your hand cleanly at the wrist, or b) accept that you can't straighten the wheel, and plough into a shedload of innocent pedestrians, maiming or killing them all instantly.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
World's most stupid mammal competition
When you decide to put up two coat hooks on a small alcove wall just inside your infant son's bedroom, parallel to the door, unimaginable mayhem will result. You will decide that the best way of securing the hooks is No-nails glue. You will then try to ensure that the glue fixes OK by applying some compression. For this exercise, you will choose a large slab of wood, which you rest against the hooks on one end and against a small chair, placed between the wall and the door.
Everything would probably have been fine, had you told your wife about this arrangement. What will then inevitably occur is that she will attempt to enter the room, there will be a crashing sound like the shifting of the tectonic plates, and the wood will become wedged between the wall and the door. Meanwhile, your baby son is in bed crying and you have no obvious way of entering the room.
As you begin to frantically shoulder-charge the upper part of the bedroom door, you will become dimly aware of phrases hissed through clenched teeth, such as 'This is the final straw' and 'It's like living with Frank f@@##/g Spencer'. Not for the first time, you will wish fervently that you were someone else, anyone else, somewhere else, anywhere else, probably in a different time zone, or a far-removed era of human history.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Am proud to have been linked, posthumously (on both sides, I think), by the world-acclaimed Troubled Diva.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
The following people have kindly blogrolled me, bringing the grand total to just one short of about 112:
Trusty Skunk from Tittybiscuit.
Minky Twiplet from Room 101.
Yunka Flagg from Tokyo Times.
Odin Thorg from Hello Yvetty.
And, finally, the Spode sisters: Nunka and Diane Modahl.
There were one or two others, but they got bored with my lack of blogging. But I won't say who they are.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Hear and there
When you are invited to a briefing by a new client in Walsall, boarding an aeroplane bound for Poland might suggest that your hearing is suboptimal.
Monday, February 02, 2004
When you are invited to a Christening by some people you barely know, your immense joy at the salvation of the newborn child, at the unconditional love of the baptism, and at the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace, as ordained by the Book of Common Prayer, will remain undiluted by the sudden realisation that you are in completely the wrong church.