'funny, and not a little bit strange' - the guardian; 'an offbeat treat' - web user
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Don't do this
Me (returning from meeting): Pssst! Why didn’t you tell me that client was disabled?
Colleague: I didn’t know. What was the problem?
Me: I tried to shake hands.
C: Oh, big deal. And?
Me: He didn’t have any.
C: Oh God. What did you do?
Me: I had to pretend it was all part of an elaborate way of checking my watch.
C: How elaborate?
Me: Oh, you know. Snake movements with my arms, a couple of hand claps, a facial tic, two pirouettes, swivelling my hips suggestively. The usual stuff.
C: How did that go down?
Me: Not too bad, although I sensed he thought he was dealing with an A-list idiot. I may have got away with it, too, except that…
C: Except for what?
Me: After all that, I looked at my wrist and I wasn’t even wearing a bloody watch. John, do you still have that gun licence?
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Things it's probably best not to do
Greet multi-million-dollar new clients with a menacing silence and a vague, inscrutable stare, after listening to Runrig all morning.
Ask Mike if his blog-ranking exercise means I’m now an A-list blogger.
Monday, April 28, 2003
Even more things it’s best not to do
When trying to find earphones that don’t fall out of your wax-laden ears, try on every pair in the shop.
When taking advantage of the company’s policy of allowing staff to listen to subtle instrumental music on personal CD players, spend the entire day playing Aerosmith’s Big Ones at full volume while leaning back in your chair with your eyes closed, attempting air guitar. This behaviour is particularly inappropriate when influential Japanese clients are standing directly behind you, awaiting your attention.
E-mail Arden Publishers expressing your disgust that, having at last read them, you don't find Shakespeare’s comedies even remotely funny, and suggesting a rewrite by Paul Merton for the next edition.
Get tapped on the shoulder by a Jap while deep into the ‘middle eight’ of Love in an Elevator.
Saturday, April 26, 2003
More stuff in print
[excerpt from Next Generation Tennis Centre promotional brochure]
`That's what makes us so sure that the Next Generation experience is one you'll warm to. And one you'll want to relive, time and time again. Here's what just a few of our regular, satisfied customers have to say:
"An hour's tennis, a gym workout, a game of squash and a well-deserved Bacardi and Coke in the bar - and all under one roof. Amazing!" - Mrs C of Whittle.
"I could spend all day here. A fantastic workout on state-of-the-art equipment, then a massage and a jacuzzi - not to mention the huge TV screen" - Mr J of Preston.
"It's like playing tennis inside a giant 1992 Volvo" - Mr G of Chorley.'
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Audi man finally passes Musings audition
Honestly, Gert, I've not moved from your site in over a month, waiting for you to elevate The Audi Olympics from the 'Auditioning' section to the 'Less Frequent Updaters' rollcall. Mad Musings of Me is link number 29.
I'm off now. See you all on Saturday.
Monday, April 21, 2003
Things it’s best not to do
Say ‘Ooh, yes please’ when your father-in-law asks if you would like an eighth beer. These words rank as the most ill-considered in the English language since the Director of Mary Poppins said, 'Yippee, that'll get round the budget cuts!', when Biological Al, first cousin of his one-time brother-in-law, said, ‘I know this American guy who can do a great Cockney accent'.
I may not be posting for a few days. I'm off to Wales with my girlies. The Internet is one of many, many things that have never reached Wales. Some of the others include: soap, English, tarmac and the third edition of PJ O'Rourke's classic Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People.
Sunday, April 20, 2003
Tax reward in sight for troops?
A new tax-relief system for Tony Blair's war heroes would make each serving man, woman and child up to £75 better off each week – that's 0.011p for every 90 seconds of every day. That's the view of a relief pharmacist from Longbenton. Off-duty Denis-Denis DeNilson said, "Such a handout would be just reward for those tax-hungry troops who have laid down to help us". And yesterday, a spokesman for the Blair Empire confirmed that the Government had absolutely no plans to introduce such a tax bonus for the boys in blue.
Saturday, April 19, 2003
Future of Olympics in safe hands
Tibbie: Daddy, Daddy, look at this picture of the Queen I've done!
Me: Wow, that's fantastic. But why is her face all black and white?
Tibbie: It's a picture of what the Queen would look like if she was a zebra.
Me: That's... that's... remarkable, Tibbie. You have a rare gift.
Friday, April 18, 2003
World's unluckiest man sees site traffic drop after national publicity, but vows to give you all some more small ads whether you want them or not
Yes, the, er, 4000% thing was more of a wish than a fact.
Bomb-disposal man, semi-qualified, be quick, fading fast
Virulent Middle-Eastern virus, potentially fatal, hence £4.12
Registered pet-sitter, I will sit on your pet, £4
Fridge/freezer, large family size, large family will fit, with some surgical sawing, £7
Unusual Easter memento, I will fuse your breasts together, call Mad Mitch
now before it's too late
Unique steam iron, full of wee, amaze your colleagues, empty the pub, your gateway to vagrancy for only £1.
More things it’s probably best not to do
When you discover your English teacher from schooldays is reading this nonsense (see Comment a few posts back), quote her remark in your 1979 school report…
“Nigel has a genuine feel for style. He will only do himself justice in his language exam, however, if he can keep his love of the absurd within bounds.”
He didn’t. And he didn’t.
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Site traffic rises 4000%
Hmm, site traffic’s up today. By about 4000%. Wonder why.
Things it’s best not to do
When you’ve just been featured in Britain’s best-selling Web magazine, with a circulation of 67,000 and a readership of 200,000, buy every copy on the news-stand and mail them to relatives, friends, enemies and someone you once met on the Isle of Man seacat.
When you’ve just been featured in Britain’s best-selling Web magazine, with a circulation of 67,000 and a readership of 200,000, completely run out of inspiration.
Try the archives. I peaked between about December and early March. You may have to hit ‘Refresh’ on your browser to see them.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Audiville Times – yet more small ads
Ill-advised home improvements, Russian-Stepped patio, revolving loft, padded cell, boating-lake bathroom, Cutty Sark conservatory, medieval dungeon and Big Dipper staircase, no reasonable offer refused, bumper boxed set of Changing Rooms videos thrown in.
A beautiful gift no money can buy, I will MIG-weld your baby onto your leg, only £12,000, call Mad Mitch today
Fortune-telling kit, reduced to £2 owing to anticipated selling difficulties
Broken door, do not use this door, except for purposes of entry and exit from room, thank you
Turbo lawn mower, immensely enthusiastic, used in Iraqi conflict, cuts anything in its path, £3, or swap for prosthetic legs and pet casket.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
A tainted triumph?
Deputy Programme Editor
Stirling Albion Football Club
Impressed though we all were with Paula Radcliffe’s performance in the 2003 London Marathon, am I alone in thinking that she will not stand as one of the true greats until she has matched or bettered Sunday’s time while wearing a diving bell or dressed as a giant, woolly racoon?
Monday, April 14, 2003
Audiville Times - more small ads
Rocking chair, no longer rocks, also no longer a chair, hence £34
Get your dog groomed and dressed in time for Easter. Easter Sunday is only six days away! Time is running out! Call immediately or risk disappointment
Italian, real ox-blood leather suite, ox legs and stomach too, in onyx, £53
Aston-Martin Lagoona, very wet, too wet (God, it’s wet), also scuba gear, £46
Fridge-freezer, relocation forces sale, as no longer able to find, also unable to locate table, chairs, children, no reasonable offers of help refused. Please, God, help
Laura Ashley car, in deep cherrywood, with six lattice, leather high-back dining chairs, lace engine, totally impractical, but great conversation piece, £38
Adjustable message bed, gently e-mails you as you sleep, over 1000 adjustable messages, some abusive! Cost £20 new, will accept £700 or wild offers.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
My stance on this war
As an A-list blogger, I’m often asked where I stand on the current conflict.
Well, I believe that all this military action against Saddam Hussein is a little over-the-top. I have done a little research and found that his record is not a bad one at all. In a four-year spell as captain of the international side, he chalked-up 27 victories from 55 one-day-matches and led us to four consecutive test-series wins. No doubt his detractors will point to the first test against Australia and ask why the weeping bejesus he put the Aussies in to bat. I guess we will never know. I would also point out that this so-called ‘evil regime’ is now actually over, following the ill-fated World Cup campaign. Thank you.
Friday, April 11, 2003
Audiville Times – weddings
Mr Corporate Leverage of Gaviscon Bunny Avenue, Printwheel Rotunda, and Miss Sapernicus Toscombe of Babacoombe-in-the-Hedge were married, argued, separated, procreated and divorced within same ceremony under special deal at Our Lady-on-the-Edge Church, Audiville.
Tegwin McFuttocks of Wannabe Close and Miss Catfish McTetris-McTetris of Zoological Gardens were married at St Bartholomew-in-the-Bath Church – in haste; repent at leisure centre, 8 for 8.30.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
Ludicrous-but-true stories: the Russian oral
When you are 16 and taking your Russian O-level exam, it's best to familiarise yourself with the format of the oral part of the exam. If, for example, you are under the impression that you have been asked to read-up on only two Russian novels in preparation for live questions from the examiner, finding out on the day of the exam that it's actually three books could cause problems. The following conversation will ensue:
Examiner: [in Russian] So, which three classic Russian novels have you been studying, Nigel?
Me: [in Russian] Tugenevy's 'Fathers and Sons', Tolstoy's 'Death of Ivan Ilych', and Frank Bough's 'World of Sporting Greats 1974'.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Audi man in branding storm
Nasty Chaffinch Pharmaceuticals
Dear Mr McDeity
I must complain about your butt-ugly young editor. Thanks entirely to this man, recently asked to brand our client workshop experts, we have lost a very important, 22 million-dollar client. I quote from your man's branding rationale:
'I think we need to get across the professional expertise of these people, as well as the nature of the product – cox-2 inhibitors. I believe that the word that best captures these elements is Coxperts.'
I hope you will ensure that this ridiculous young man feels the full force of the company disciplinary procedures.
Galactic toss monkey is next link
Galactic toss monkey Jezza is the 28th sucker to blogroll The Audi Olympics. I'm a real perceptive guy, and I can sense you're as bored as I am when I crow about my latest link. I might even stop. Ha.
Monday, April 07, 2003
Invited guest: Hello, everyone. My friend and I are delighted to be here today at this rather surprising venue. We're going to talk about tree preservation, about the tricky problem of roots and footpaths, Preservation Orders, environmental issues, symbiosis and root inspections, and we’ll be explaining how to take up arboricultural training.
Invited guest 2: Yes, thanks Brian. And we're also offering a great hands-on workshop in which you'll get a chance to use a chainsaw correctly.
Managing Director: Hold on! Hold on! What are these people doing here? Who the hell invited them?
HR Manager: Oh my God. THREE SURGEONS! THREE BLOODY SURGEONS, NIGEL! I wanted you to organise a presentation from three surgeons. Can you get nothing right? Nigel? Nigel?!! Where the bloody hell has he gone now?
Sunday, April 06, 2003
Links out of hand
Somerset peat farmer Jann Herlihy is link number 27 for The Audi Olympics. Hey, Tony, I think we've got some catching-up to do with all these wonderful people who've blogrolled me.
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Grand National day
Bookie: Hello, Sir. And which Grand National horse would you like to put money on?
Me: Hmm, I don't have much luck on the horses. I'd like to back the favourite, please.
Bookie: No problem, Sir, and would you like that 'on the nose' or 'each way'?
Me: Neither. I'd like to bet it'll have a massive aortic embolism before the fourth fence, please.
Made stronger by Hydragenic link
Hydragenic is a fan of Dr Who and Abba, and me, too, seemingly. Elite company. Hydragenic is link number 26 for The Audi Olympics.
Friday, April 04, 2003
Youth's fountain drying-up
Me: Hello, I’m phoning to ask why my free CD collection has not arrived.
CD club bod: Is it Mr Graber? Ah, that offer was conditonal on you providing a full set of data for our market research. And, to our knowledge, Mr Graber, there is no market analysis age group of 13 to 40.
Thursday, April 03, 2003
A meeting of minds
Finance Director: OK, everybody ready? Fancy a sandwich, Nigel?
Me: No, no. I never eat on an empty stomach.
FD: Yes… right, let's get right down to business. Did you invite those specialists along, Nigel?
Me: Yes, they're held up in traffic. They should be here soon.
FD: Good, right everybody, we're here to discuss cost control in publication planning. Can you open your copy of the report at page…?
Me: Hold on, did you just say 'cost control'?
FD: Yes, why?
Me: C - O - s - t?
FD: That's right.
Me: Oh God.
[Rentokil officers kick door open and storm into room]
Rodent exterminator: Right, move aside. Rentokil here, featuring zero-residue baiting and innovative detection techniques that incorporate the latest advanced electronics. For your own safety, please immediately leave the building! We have the situation under control. Move along quickly now!
FD: Nigel? Nigel?! Nigel!!! ...Where the hell has he gone?
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
New standards in serious journalism
You will be aware of the excellent reputation of this agency. We have set new standards in promoting our clients’ products, particularly in osteoarthritis, Crohn’s Disease and pulmonary embolism. We on the Board believe that your newsletter should reflect this blue-riband level of excellence in medical communications. I must, therefore, take issue with the half-page article in this month’s edition featuring a picture of your hamster, Ian, ‘having lots of fun in his exercise ball’.
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Baby name result announced
Thanks for all your help with the baby names. There were some excellent contenders, like Candida, Decibel, Dementia and Spatula. In the final analysis, though, having checked out all my reference books for any negative connotations and, as we're traditionalists at heart, we’ve plumped for Chlamydia.
At the end of a day-long training course, after the presenter says, "That all clear, then?" there will be no reply, and he will then say, "Clear as mud?" A round of embarrassed laughter will then follow.
Links pile up like driven snow
Thanks to Gordon Snowgoon, links number 24 and 25 have piled up like mucky winter drifts at the side of the road. A Blog’s Life, dedicated to logging fables, is link number 24, and Quebec’s finest, Wrywriter, is link number 25.