Guest bloggers

Audi Man didn’t think it would come to this. Audi Man is fast becoming a self-employed copywriter. Right now, writing TAO is costing him time, and time is money. To keep this thing going, he's going to need guest bloggers for the next two weeks, Zoe. If you fancy it, either e-mail me or stick your name in the Comments below.

Basic rules:

1 Five bloggers for each week.
2 No being rude (my mum reads this).
3 Introduce yourself at the start of each piece.
4 Write as many pieces as you like.
5 Stick to the house style.

Come on, the warden’s away, and you can be an inmate inside the bars of Britain’s most ludicrous blog.

Linkamy
Netty Krunt from Scorpio Girl is the 92nd to blogroll Audi Man.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, October 31, 2003

 
Redundancy parting shot

Cut to an empty office. For the first time ever, Audi Man is last to leave. As he prepares to walk out into the bleak twilight and meet the rest of his life, he surveys the scene. Every phone is off its cradle. In unison, they are saying, in a broad Australian accent, 'At the third stroke...'.

Anyone got anything better?
- posted by Nigel @ Wednesday, October 29, 2003

 
Football history

Not many people realise that the English Football Association has been around a long time. Here are some of the founder members of the Football League:

Preston North End. Ground: Deepdale. Founded: 1881
Sheffield Wednesday. Ground: Hillsborough. Founded: 1867
Total Network Solutions. Ground: Semiconductor Valley. Founded: 1862.

Prize for 100th link?
With my 90th and 91st Olympic blogrollers, I’m tempted to offer a prize for the 100th link. But I won’t. Twinkly Scummage of Huwge Blog and Smedley Feggins of Sapphire Skies are the latest.
- posted by Nigel @ Tuesday, October 28, 2003

 
Denial

Me: Giannakopoulos’ equaliser was fantastic on Saturday, wasn’t it?
Wife: For the eighth time, it was disallowed. Offside.
Me: Overhead kick. Athleticism. Mmmm. A hard-earned draw. I’m so pleased we paid off our huge mortgage. Your mother whiffs like a herd of dipped oxen. Dependent children? What dependent children?
Wife: Don’t be stupid.
Me: Debt-free at last. It is an honour to lead the Conservative Party. I accept it with humility, with a profound sense of the responsibility upon me and with a sort of juvenile excitement. I joined this Party through conviction, because of what I believed it would do for our country. I have not wavered in that conviction. You have put your trust in me and I vow to you I shall repay that trust…
Wife: Nigel, you are NOT Tory party leader.
Me: Black is white, day is night and Ned Sherrin was made entirely from coconut matting.
Psychiatrist voiceover: This kind of syndrome is not uncommon. The traumatised patient uses denial as an ego defence mechanism that operates unconsciously to resolve emotional conflict, and to allay anxiety by refusing to perceive the more unpleasant aspects of external reality. The syndrome is maladaptive, however, when it becomes delusional. Mood disturbances such as these can be helped only by electro-convulsive therapy, with intravenous aloe vera 500ml, or by sleeping in the garden.
- posted by Nigel @ Monday, October 27, 2003

 
Pointless, empty threats made to editors before their impending redundancy

A new series in which we highlight completely pointless threats made to disillusioned young editors in the North West of England at the point of being made redundant. 'These redundancies are, of course, completely confidential. If you breathe a word to the press, it will, of course, be considered a disciplinary offence.' I can't tell you how much that worries me.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, October 24, 2003

 
It’s over

On a blustery autumn Sunday back in October 1981, Audi Man, who wasn’t called Audi Man then, felt the lonely, gutwrenching ache that is rejection by your first serious girlfriend. He didn’t think such a horrid feeling existed in any other sphere. He was wrong. It exists when the Vice-President (Editorial) of your company tells you that your almost-immediate redundancy comes with only two weeks’ severance pay.
- posted by Nigel @ Thursday, October 23, 2003

 
Sport short

Audi Man is hoping England can rack up a cricket score against Bangladesh today.
- posted by Nigel @ Wednesday, October 22, 2003

 
Under-represented

Rugby or football? I’m leaning towards rugby right now. Why? Well, I find that only 11 men is a particularly dismal turn-out for an international soccer match of huge significance.
- posted by Nigel @ Monday, October 20, 2003

 
Pets & livestock

Exciting crossbred puppy, 'cobrador', loves children and small mammals. "If I was going to buy a really terrifying predator, this is the one I'd elect for" - John Major.
- posted by Nigel @ Saturday, October 18, 2003

 
Government denies dumbing-down school exams

The Government was last night denying that school exams had been 'dumbed-down'. All pupils passed everything with an A*, and a Mrs Eczema, 62, of Torquay, who is medically stupid, even got a large A** wrapped in gold foil and delivered by Postalfarce. A Mr Butterball of Preston gained seven when he bought the wrong brand of bleach, and a man from St Eejit-in-the-Wind was awarded a qualification in Fuzzy Ceramics, despite local records indicating that he was a foul-mouthed, 14th-century publican.

The nature of subjects studied has also been called into question. Last summer, exams on offer included Caring for Your Pepsi Multipack, Opening Cereal Boxes the Titchmarsh Way and Could My Name Be Malcolm? Well, Could It? Controversy also surrounds the abolition of F for fail. This has now been replaced by NMNLCLMTYUIB, which experts believe stands for Never Mind, Nana’s Little Chicken, Let Me Tuck You Up In Bed.

Typical questions from this year’s Science paper, which pupils were under no obligation to answer, included: Wool-fired electricity – the future?; Lego buggies as naval warfare systems; and Hey, Kazza, have u seen meye nu fone?

In Biology, pupils were not even admitted beyond the examination-room door, once it was established that they could keep a firm grip on their genitalia while breathing reasonably efficiently.

“The alleged dumbing-down has opened-up entry for almost anyone to previously competitive professions like medicine and the law,” said Education Minister Spaszlo Ferlung, who is unable to sue over the ineffectual sambuca poultice covering his recently severed legs. “And that has simply got to be a good thing”.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, October 17, 2003

 
Beasts of myth and fable

The Who-oo-whee
The Who-oo-whee is a Japanese Phoenix, and is an entire lifestyle rolled into one, the Who being the male, the oo the female, and the whee being proof of its gym membership. Its dual sexuality has made the Who-oo-whee virtually extinct, as mating requires a pitcher of Swarfega, a slinkee, reconstructive pelvic surgery, and a Black & Decker 60-tooth 'Piranha' carbide circular saw. The Who-oo-whee comes to earth so that humanity may return the beast's good deeds, but it usually winds up tutting and checking its watch. There are four classes of Who-oo-whee: heavenly, divine, earthly and hoodlum, depending on their function in guarding the heavenly palace, giving rainfall, draining rivers, or setting fire to pets. The Who-oo-whee takes its name either from the Irish, meaning 'Children of the Goddess Danu', or from its ardent love of theme parks.

Some accounts say the Who-oo-whee could block out the sun with its body, and it gained employment in later years with tour operators seeking to put rivals out of business. One of the twelve labours of Heracles was to steal the Who-oo-whee’s golden apples, but every time he fought his way to the top of the Sacred Staircase, fighting off the attentions of the savage Minosaurs, the sleepy beast simply groaned, rolled its eyes and insisted it sold them on e-bay. The creature failed to gain a foothold in Mythology Monthly’s coveted Most Classical Beast list, through its refusal to do stuff like drink from the Sea of Knowledge, and its insistence on calling itself Pauline.

Two fat ladies plus one
Denzil Fugg's is, amazingly, the first site to link me as a direct result of my 18-month exchange programme with the very readable Melbourne Tony. Sarcasmo is link number 89.
- posted by Nigel @ Thursday, October 16, 2003

 
Classifieds

Earth wire, suitable for giant, supragalactic conkers game, understand this ad and get 10% off, £3

Perspex ant-farm Big Brother game, mass squabbles and tiny, unprotected sex - rubbish characters, little media interest and imprecise eviction, hence £2

Libido
Audi Man is under the knife, having his troublesome libido removed, dressed in velvet and mounted with a plaque.

Hospice blog
Monster Improvements, who writes Whitenoise, is the 88th blogger to blogroll the Olympics.
- posted by Nigel @ Wednesday, October 15, 2003

 
Literal inevitabilites

Following your job interview, failure to heed your wife when she advises you ‘not to hold your breath’ will result in you passing out with febrile-seizure disorder, and all attempts at cardio-pulmonary resuscitation will fail. This advice will follow her equally ill-considered suggestions to attend the interview armed to the teeth, to pick the interviewer’s brains and to wear your heart on your sleeve.
- posted by Nigel @ Tuesday, October 14, 2003

 
The Audi announcement

Yes, I've been thinking about retiring the Olympics. However, here's the alternative: I need 90 comments in the Comments box attached to this entry - before I get 90 links, or I pack in. All from different folk. Be quick, mind - I have 87 links.

Chicken Pooh
The small road bridge where the River Lostock in Audiville crosses the fast, Manchester-to-Preston expressway, where the Ducatis hit 130, is the perfect place to combine two sweet childhood games - Poohsticks and Chicken.
- posted by Nigel @ Sunday, October 12, 2003

 
Interview inevitabilities

When attending a job interview, never submit your CV (resume) beforehand if it bears the seemingly innocent words ‘I write a weblog’. When you get there, your would-be employer will have read it. He will then offer up an uncomfortable, 1,000-mile stare, as if witnessing the last movements of Christ, or as if you are the final, insurmountable barrier in his 23-year quest to give up smoking. The interview will last under four minutes. And he will then rush out and offer an excellent package that includes profit sharing, family medical coverage and an Audi TT to a rancid, incontinent vagrant from beneath the local viaduct.

The 100 links thing
Audi Man will make an announcement on this tomorrow.
- posted by Nigel @ Saturday, October 11, 2003

 
Beasts of myth and fable

The bleast
A golden dragon with awful breath, an abundance of small talk, and the ability to do bad voiceovers, the bleast has the head of Nana Miskouri and the body of a flatbed truck. As the bleast runs, its belly emits the sound of a pack of 40 hounds, although some feel it could be 41. It is said that the bleast is so old that it has seen the destruction of the world three times over, and daytime TV almost every day. One of Heracles' 12 labours was to rid the world of the bleast, but his efforts were hampered by his inability to find the appropriate section in Yellow Pages. The somewhat negative bleast, which repeatedly intones ‘some you lose, some you lose’, has huge testicles that cover 90% of its body area. It is said that if one is bitten by a bleast, the only cure is the sound of its roar, which it withholds out of revenge for the crude vasectal surgery.

The 100 links thing
Audi Man has postponed the announcement until tomorrow. Audi Man is wearing shiny shoes today (insert appropriate emoticon).

Hour of bewilderbeast
The darkest hour approaches: two more links. Spanker McTwegg of Alfred the OK has at last chipped in, while Prairiedog Faggins of Comments, Please is the 87th to link me. I think.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, October 10, 2003

 
More beasts of myth and fable

The gamooku
The Japanese gamooku is terrifying, evil and practically illiterate, with an enormous flaming head, and eyes the colour and temperature of hot coals that have been set aside to cool slightly. It has the body of a domestic Bengal tiger and the face of a Lithuanian peasant caught up in a speed-gelding game. The gamooku’s arrival is said to herald news of a feast, or a three-for-two offer at Tesco. It is so big that it can carry very, very small elephants, all at once. The gamooku is continually roving – seeking running water to slake its thirst, though why it doesn’t simply stay put when it’s found it is up for debate. Some accounts suggest that the gamooku has a nest in the Tree of Wisdom, although its daily insistence on calling 24/7 Kleening to enquire about opening hours would suggest otherwise.

Chaos reigns
Annabella Questing-Beast from Chaos Angel is the 85th blogger to add me to their blogroll. Oh dear, we’re getting horribly near 90.

The 100 links thing
Audi Man will make an announcement on this subject tomorrow.
- posted by Nigel @ Thursday, October 09, 2003

 
Professional inevitabilities

When you prepare your blogs in important Word documents at work, a paper on the efficacy of a new breast-cancer drug submitted for approval to the Editorial Director will contain the words, ‘unique fireplace, in style of Victorian gentleman’. A pathetic, blustering, implausible explanation will follow, featuring an attempt to pass off this portion of a small ad as a valid piece of oncological research.

Small ads
Next minute for sale, be quick, next 60 seconds or it’ll be gone, will swap for quickie or badly done egg, no timewasters, £2.

Frost-free fridge-freezer, fragile, French, in fragments due to frightening freemason fracturing front, free fromage-frais, phone Franco, also dog named George, free.
- posted by Nigel @ Wednesday, October 08, 2003

 
Hollow man

Henry Suppositor
Student magazine
Leicestershire and Paisley University

Hen

So, in the eyes of some observers, Paula Radcliffe has entered the half-marathon hall of fame, by winning the 12th World Championships in Vilamoura, Portugal, for the fourth time on Saturday. However, am I the only one to sense that this triumph is somewhat hollow, achieved as it was without a pack of sticky schoolchildren harnessed to her socks, all chanting, 'We know what you're up to'?

Yours etc.

Dim horizon brightens
The dim horizon of Blog Retirement has brightened considerably, now that Sondra Impregnable-Mallard of One Fish, Two Fish, has become the 84th blogroller to link Audi Olympics. Only 16 to go: come on, folks, we can do it.
- posted by Nigel @ Monday, October 06, 2003

 
Choc a lot 2

I am in no way opposed to the recent introduction by Cadbury of the 200g bars of Dairy Milk with shortcake biscuit. However, consuming four of them in one sitting could be considered barbaric, and can render a man partially insensible. That's all I can say today. Sorry.
- posted by Nigel @ Sunday, October 05, 2003

 
Choc a lot

Just want to say I am in no way opposed to the recent introduction by Cadbury of the 200g bars of Dairy Milk with shortcake biscuit. That's all I have to say today. Thank you.
- posted by Nigel @ Saturday, October 04, 2003

 
Child in time

There is no look like the look on the face of the supermarket shelf-stack girl when you ask her on which aisle you can find the frozen embryos.

Teenage tips
When you are a teenager and the aunties come clucking around you at the family parties, an excellent counter to the observation, 'Eeeh, my! Haven't you grown!' is the retort, 'Don't you think it would be more remarkable if I hadn't?'

Only 17 now, folks
Arch-cricketer WTF Ched says he can't make head nor tail of my site. Didn't stop him linking me. Stratford-upon-Avon - The Truth is site number 83 to blogroll Audi Olympics, which, according to experts, no longer exists.
- posted by Nigel @ Friday, October 03, 2003

 
Ill-advised observation

Removed on legal advice from Belgium.

‘I was self-medicating moderate depression with brie and Belgian chocolates’
Spangly Knackers, author of the above statement in the more-than-odd SkinnyKat, and a man with passionate beliefs concerning the precise role of fish within water, is the 81st blogroller to attach himself to Audi Olympics. And Venomous Mittens, who writes Maz's Spag Blag Box, is the 82nd.
- posted by Nigel @ Thursday, October 02, 2003

 
Ill-advised small ads

Disabled armchair, also mentally disturbed table, psychologically frail Welsh cross-dresser, £3.

Robertson’s jam golly badges wanted by avid collector, also Bernard Manning joke books, phone 01222 333333, ask for Akim Nbuku.

Handymen, self-taught Tornado pilots, also semi-qualified bomb-disposal, over 90% success rate, ask for Bob, if he’s not there, try Andy, failing that, it’s Mike, if no-one answers, we’re at the crem, or go somewhere else.
- posted by Nigel @ Wednesday, October 01, 2003